8 reasons that should be on your list if you are ever considering marriage.
Marriage vs. Love vs. Happiness, which do you prefer? This was the question asked by a close friend of mine on his Facebook status. I was stunned to discover that there was one person who chose one, and when I said all three she implored me that I needed to choose one (all in good faith I presumed). It’s ludicrous to even consider that we should really have to choose one when the three are interrelated.
Why on earth would anyone want to be in a marriage where love and or happiness are absent? What would have been the motivation that leads to marriage in the first place? Let us put aside the fact that I am a die-hard romantic, it saddens me to even entertain the thought of having to choose. No one should have to. This thing about being with the one who loves you sounds more like a life sentence to me. It can’t be easy being loved by someone who you have no feelings for or you can barely tolerate. I imagine resentment stepping in and all the other issues that come with such a complicated situation – spelled D-R-A-M-A!
What is really missing when it comes to relationships that cause so many people to believe that if there are love and happiness, marriage should stay out of the picture as it changes everything? If I had a dollar to pay myself for every time I heard someone say that marriage changes everything, I would be a millionaire. The interesting thing is that this particular comment is made by both men and women. I always question the statement but no one has given me an explanation that makes any sense. Come to think of it, it’s mostly the men who complain that the women changes, which makes it seem as though marriage is the ultimate accomplishment. Once that is achieved, it’s like,” YES!” “I have arrived; I f-i-n-a-l-ly got what I always wanted.” And the things you used to do before you were married you do them no more. Men are just as guilty because it seems like some of them commit to marriage, after all, that was his way of doing what he thinks is right by her. So romance goes out the window once that document is signed. I honestly believe people need to get to that place where they understand that like purchasing a home or car you have to do maintenance if you want to keep the spark in your relationship lit. Then on the flip side, there is the issue of the control game which comes into play, forgetting that it is a relationship with two adults who are unique in their own individual ways, and each entitled to their own opinions and preferences. Both parties seem to suddenly take each other for granted.
Let’s look at some of the important reasons why I would get married, not the superficial ones. Yes, “looks” are important but I learned that not all that glitters is gold. Or maybe I need to get my head checked and or moved out of “La La Land” and head back to planet earth. With all my heart I do believe it is possible to have a relationship that is based on love, and both parties can be happily married to each other.
Love is the ultimate reason why I would want to get married, granted that not every love relationship could/should result in marriage as there are so many other factors to take into consideration. There were a lot of amazing men that I have dated in the past, a few I experienced soul mate vibes with, but I can’t tell you how elated I am that I never married any of them. (I don’t believe in the only one soul mate theory). They were great humans but we were not each other’s fit. I am very much aware of the fact that love alone is not enough to sustain any relationship far less a marriage, but definitely love would be on top of my list of requirements.
Having things in common and being able to have fun together are other top criteria. It doesn’t matter what we are doing. I have to be able to first totally be myself in my relationship. I am good by myself but I am better when I am with someone in a good solid relationship. We should be able to enjoy each other’s company to the max, even the times when we piss each other off. If there is respect for each other, then together, the issues and challenges we face on a day-to-day basis we should be able to work it out through mature communication. This is where maturity and understanding should step in allowing the ego to take a back seat. We should be able to acknowledge and respect each other’s strong and weak points. My greatest lesson learned in being in an unconditional love relationship is, understanding that in times of disagreement, it never means that we are loving each other any less.
There is someone I owe a lot to for bringing this level of consciousness to my being. I would rant and rave about whatever and he would always remain calm, and soft-spoken, he never let me dismiss an issue without us agreeing to disagree. I make my point, he makes his own and we keep it moving. And the one time that he had to put me in my place about an issue I was busting his chops about it. I was humble enough to listen and see the situation from his point of view. Understanding each other’s personality and being able to communicate well about the uncomfortable issues is very significant to every relationship working, this should never be taken for granted. I like that at the core of all my relationships past and present we were actually really good friends. That meant the most to me.
Having common goals, and sharing in and enjoying each other’s hobbies is of utmost importance. If you enjoy dancing together, for example, and your relationship is being challenged, hit the dance floor. This simple act can get you back to a comfortable zone with each other. Don’t under-estimate the power of music. Dancing makes me feel on top of the world. (I broke up with someone I thought I would never speak to again. We got to talking after some time had passed. On our first date we ended up on the dance floor, we had a blast and now he is still a part of my life though we are not romantically involved we are really cool friends) Try it! Both parties of course have to be willing to do their part. I am not saying the person has to like everything I like and it’s not likely that I would like everything that he likes, but being flexible is everything to me. I would not marry someone who hates traveling because this is something that I thoroughly would want us to enjoy as a couple.
Spirituality is also a very important element I would take into consideration. This very important social factor is often taken for granted. The person does not have to be a die-hard-going-to-church-every-Sunday-Christian, but we should have similar spiritual values. Ask yourself this question: “What is your partner’s views on religion and or spirituality?” “Are we able to fellowship together?” If Christianity is your upbringing. Or “Would you be able to enjoy together a weekend spiritual retreat or a chill-out meditation session at home”? Marrying someone whose core spiritual belief is different from yours is a subtle disaster waiting to happen. At the head of your marriage should be the same faith-based belief. When the challenges come both of you should be able to kneel and pray together. So being equally yoked is the foundation of your connection not just as it relates to your core beliefs but in the other areas of the relationship.
Sex and intimacy… There is nothing sexier than a man that is totally connected to his sexuality and is uninhibited in his expression. The man I will marry has to have that on lockdown when it comes to getting it on between the sheets… and this has nothing to do with multiple orgasms. I believe sex is an expression of how two people feel about each other. Sex is more than just a physical act, oh, of course, there would be times when I am sure it would be just physical, but this is where we should be able to really touch and keep each other happy, mind, body, and soul. It is in the sex arena that true intimacy is tested. It is believed that making love has healing qualities and sex is also the best way to relieve stress at the end of a long tedious day. Going to bed together should be the best part and the best way to end your day. And this should not be solely to have sex. The physical aspect of sex is just the icing on the cake. To snuggle up with someone you love is bliss.
Security. Being with someone who makes me feel secure is important to me. I am not particularly referring to financial security, though it is important. As a woman I love being independent but being with someone who can take care of us has its advantages. However, do not take it for granted when you meet someone that their present position is their final destination. It is not. We are all growing and evolving. Often times, when two people connect, one, or the other, or both parties might be in transition. What needs to be taken into consideration is how ambitious the person is and whether or not they are pursuing the steps they need to take to accomplish their current and future goals.
Honesty and communication, with self and the other person, are of utmost importance; one should be able to acknowledge the things that cause discomfort. Going along in a relationship thinking that you would be able to change the other person is a big courting an inevitable break-up. Besides we all should be committed to working on becoming the best versions of our self, trying to change someone is way too much work. Focus on being true to yourself and acknowledge what you feel along the way, and remember, no one is perfect. Communication and understanding along with compromise and all that other good delicious stuff that makes a relationship unique, challenging, and enjoyable go hand in hand in this category. If you have two people who are open and are willing to work through their own individual issues so you can both communicate from a loving honest place even about the things that make you uncomfortable, you hit gold.
Now with all of those significant qualities in place, the ultimate of all is having someone dependable, someone that would have your back when the tough times hit, when illness steps in, someone who gives you the confidence that no matter what, when, where or why, they would always be there for you and vice versa. Speaking of which, I read something that said “love is what is left over when falling in love no longer makes you tingle”. There is no way one should have to choose one over the other. Two individually happy people who love each other can enjoy a great marriage and be happy in their union. Life is meant for living joyously.
All rights reserved 2011
Refresh, Rejuvenate, Exhale, Reprogram 